I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
