can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Randomize
