I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize