Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize