Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Blow job season was short but glorious.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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