i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
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