Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
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