the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
