well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Randomize
