dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Dicks are not precious.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Randomize
