Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Randomize
