fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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