I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
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