i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
