You smell like a Billy Joel song
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize