Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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