i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize
