Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
