Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
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