You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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