and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Randomize