so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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