woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
