Mel Gibson is dating a 24 year old
You're not Mel Gibson and I'm not 24.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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