Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize