i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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