I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
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