you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize
