I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
Randomize
