Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
That was before I lit my hair on fire
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