i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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