you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
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