I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
