If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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