The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Randomize
