he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Randomize
