I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
