are you wasted or are you getting laid?
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wow
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
