I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
