I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
