oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
