From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
