why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
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