My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
