when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Randomize
