if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
