you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
