We won't sleep together?
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
