Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
I accidentally had phone sex last night
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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