i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
