You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Randomize
