i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
i now understand why vodka
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Randomize
