matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
