I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
