Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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