Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
Randomize
