Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
Randomize
