did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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