speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
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