I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
Randomize
