New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Randomize
