The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
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