Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Randomize
