There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Randomize