That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Randomize
