I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
